LA is a loveless place, all glitter, no heart. With that type of behavior lets lower the bars for intimacy, and lower the chances of getting hurt. Is it safe to have the bars down and open when we leave our heart alone to be stolen and possibly damaged? I often feel like just throwing in the towel and possibly setting my life up in recluse for a while abandoning my heavy social behavior in the simple hopes if not getting further involved or hurt.
A few weeks ago my My friend Ian Markell took a few pics before running back to NY… I was inspired by the ideas of tribes and adventures.
This week started out on Sunday, I swung out for a quick drink and hang out with the Neighborhood family at the room. I was in a deep rut that couldn't seem to be solved.
The next night I evoked childish joys at the musical Mary Poppins with Grace, Lauren, and her mom. It was so long since I had even seen the movie, it all came back to me and my eyes lit up at the way I had viewed the world… It revived my existence and got closer to Mariah as my inner 12 year old lived again...
Wednesday night at Bardot was every thing contrary to the sheer innocence of a talking umbrella and tap dancing on the walls. It was a particularly nice night with part of my east-side crowd stepping out and making their way to Hollywood. I might have gone a bit to far as usual but the room packed and the DJ's doors opened as the bohoes stepped out to a loaded bar and streaming hip hop. My goals of linking the hip the hop the chic the street and the electro to the boho was well represented in this night.
I woke up loopy but manage to go thrifting around with Amanny and Stevie. I had no mind to really do anything other than recuperate...
The beginning of my Friday night started off with a bite at m cafe with Jeff and continued where my nights particularly ended… Freak City. While still in the PM I briefly came by to support Jamie as she was walking a show… As long as she got paid I thought. The line was a typical reimaging of flea market finds. The type of boho garb that was made for Fauxhimia. I was mildly insulted at the devastating cliche that got made from someone else's life. The show was further confusing by the minimal ambient music that hypnotized the crowd… As long as she got paid.
After an outfit change I frantically ran to HWood on saturday night. I came with Annie and expected a chilled night with drinks and a few good friends around… The crowded doorway made me beam with joy. The bottle serviced waited anxiously as the turquoised eyes said the yay or nay. Once in I made my immediate rounds and greeted all the spectators of my peculiarity. Annie had found a comfortable place sitting by a few budding producers who had dropped some other CAA agents name at the hopes of getting an in. That encounter led to a typical Annie connection as the first drone was besties with her ex sister and drone number 2 ended up being one of my producers. The pre grammy schmooze, 2 bottles of well vodka, a table of models and a gathering of friends eventually lead to the after party…
At the Alvarado house the music sounded blurry and I was in all good presence. That was until I looked around at all those who were being held up by two arms… it was a war zone… The grand prize was a good time, the bomb was one way too many drinks. I didn't know if it was the full moon but I had never seen a party go down like this, it no longer a house party, it was a drunken mess of downtown status… I lived for it. I later bumped into my friend Angel who was one of the many victims of tequila. He was propped up and swaying. Another year and this was the big boom of a bust, he was crying over another boy. The boy in question named tim was a budding boutique owner who had toyed with Angel who was now attempting to down the rest of his sorrows in Xanex and booze. I held him up and took his bottle. Once he was too incoherent I poured the rest out and left him clueless as to whether or not he had drunk the reserve of his Jose Cuervo… The night ended soon and I was in a cab home alone. saddened at my solitary situation, I reveled in the thought that I had saved someone from possibly going too far… It was 5 AM
My world skipped a bit the next night. After watching the thriller Edge of Darkness I was still anxiety ridden and on the edge of my seat once I got home. I paced back and forth a bit trying to find someone to go with to the Phoenix party and in the end, ended up heading to teddies alone. I wasn't too sure how to feel entering alone. I was thinking too hard of what the spectators thought. "how pathetic" "Who would go with him" "what a loser entering alone" "no body wants him". I made it in and as I had expected all hell broke lose as the angry livid thinsters gazed out to empty space, attempting to find him or her for both for the night. With my stomach still unsettled from the morning and my body simply exhausted I didn't even attempt to drink. I was dead sober and nervous at Teddy's on a saturday night… Myles and Ana were there it was like a deja vu of months gone. I finally caught a break once I found my friends to congregate with, it was like being at the cool table. In my good mood, I really wanted to head out to the after gathering at Chris' house where all the cool kids would hang and listen to the latest Pitchfork approved tracks. That night Kendal was out on a mission to attempt for the nth time to mend and possibly salvage what she never had. I was pissed sober and still I obliged,
Off off and away to Freak City. As the cool conversations and chill tracks spinning to wine tasting turned into havoc as I was in a swarm of youth attempting to forget their names. I went from bothered to pissed as I now was too broke for a cab and too lonely to be left alone. To add public humiliation to paranoia I was welcomed with a smother on the face by and ex-fling who was as bright as a green bean and close to the point of forgotten Identities. I was too tired, emotionally and physically strain of all the things I thought I loved. I wasn't drained, I was just a washed up remnant of what I used to be. What is the breaking point of sincerity? I freaked out and screamed out to leave me alone. Stepping in for a breath of hot air I was claustrophobic and unsure of what to do. I attempted to catch Kendel and say lets go, but she was just to self involved with attacking potential prey. I am typically as self centered and one minded in my wants but this was too far. I waited in line and attempted to catch myself in the single stall, only to have further limits pushed as the fling swung in with green on the lapel of the blazer. I stepped out disgusted at my attempted one mindedness, I had tried and hoped to change the fling from such self distractive paths as all those I ever had but the sheer sight made me ill. The night culminated in a single movement before my eyes. As I stepped onto the dance floor there she stood drunken and dancing like an idiot before the DJ booth vying for his attention, yearning for rehabilitation of the heartless man… Then again I didn't know if he had moved on from her and found solace in someone who was less self involved, some one without an agenda to change someone, someone not overbearing with purposes of personal happiness. With her hips gyrating I saw myself, I may have hated her presently for ruining my night, but Im sure I had probably done similar selfish acts in the attempt to get my way.
Perhaps I should give up the charade of being happy, as if to think that I have moved on from all the demons in my attic, as if to think that I wish all my ex lovers conquests and attempted conquests well… Fuck them all. I may have prided myself in a quick recovery from all the emotional self inflictions, but its starting to hurt more and more now that I realized that I am not living in the Pleasantville utopia I made for myself.
btw...
Labels: abba, afterparty, alvarado house, bardot, chill out, fashion party, Freak city, grammy's, Hwood, la boum, teddy's
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